Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
