I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
