Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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