Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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