bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You pole danced in your parka.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
