he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
