Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
