You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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