I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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