Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
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