I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
