You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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