I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
