I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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