If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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