i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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