i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
