All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
