I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Boobs speak an international language.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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