Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
