I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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