3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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