just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
