I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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