So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
