If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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