She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
