I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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