it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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