So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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