They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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