we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
