I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
