My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
