I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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