She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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