what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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