I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
