My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i think i have herpe
just one?
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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