i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
