So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
