he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
