Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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