Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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