Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
