btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
