I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
