I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
