You're my little dorito
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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