I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
