I'm really into asian looking animals
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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